Hi everyone. I’m reaching out to see if anyone has walked a similar path. We all want to be understood, but it feels like few people actually try to understand. If you recognize my struggle, please reach out.
I’m an alcoholic. My battle started at 27, and I’m 47 now. It was a brutal journey that nearly killed me before I could stop. Less than a year ago, I actually died in the ICU from acute pancreatitis caused by drinking. It happened right around my 47th birthday. My wife had just moved out and gave me a week to leave our home. I reacted the only way I knew how—by drinking. I was living in Sweden at the time, consuming massive amounts of Koskenkorva. Eventually, the abdominal pain became unbearable. I remember the ambulance ride only as a blur of begging for morphine.
I woke up three weeks later, intubated and lost in a terrifying delirium. The staff told me my survival was a rare occurrence. My wife visited to serve divorce papers while I was still recovering. I signed them immediately. I was never a violent drunk; I just withdrew into myself and slept while she worked. She had every right to leave, even though we never fought. Doctors warned me that another drink would be a death sentence—a slow, agonizing suicide. I realized I had been trying to kill myself slowly for 20 years.
Now, I live with neuropathy as a constant reminder. My nerves send chaotic signals to my brain, likely due to the sepsis. I use a cane now and feel like a shadow of my former self. The pity in people’s eyes is hard to take, as is the depression and existential dread. I lost my job right before the hospital stay too. Hitting the bottom shows you the true nature of people’s “love.” But in that total loss of hope, there is a strange freedom.
I haven’t had a drink since I was admitted. The addiction seems to have vanished, though I use Lyrica for the nerve pain. Empathy is a difficult concept, but I hope there are others who can relate. I just needed to get this out. Stay safe.
P.S. I met my current wife after my recovery. Her strength and love helped pull me back from the brink. I’m nearing happiness, though I still struggle with the regret of leaving so many things unfinished. I left everything as a draft, and there is nothing worse than realizing it might be too late.
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I’ve witnessed the agony of pancreatic cancer too many times. I’m committed to staying sober so I don’t end up the same way.
Thank you for being so vulnerable. It’s a powerful warning for those of us struggling with addiction about how fast life can spiral. Congrats on reaching 316 days.
That last bit really touched me. Being able to look back and regret “unfinished drafts” is actually a beautiful perspective. I hope you’re doing well. It’s a blessing that you found love and support. IWNDWYT.
Nurses told me that it was a miracle (I dont like the term, let’s say very rare) that I was alive.
I truly believe alcoholism is a sickness of the spirit.
When there is no hope, no faith, no nothing; you feel totally free. yes, you lack expectations, when you lack expectations, you can do anything.
That feeling of freedom you described from having no expectations is exactly what many Zen practitioners spend a lifetime trying to achieve.
I’m also a survivor of pancreatitis and sepsis. Fortunately, I didn’t flatline, but I did spend a week in the ICU. I’m 8 years sober now and so glad I made it. I’m glad you did too. For the neuropathy you mentioned, I found Nervala really helped manage my symptoms. Keep at it!
I relapsed today after 10 days and went to the pub. Reading your story is the reason I’m heading home right now. I’m saving this post for the next time I feel weak. Thank you for sharing your survival.
My mom was just released from the ICU with stage 3 cirrhosis. She’s dealing with sensory neuropathy as well, which she made worse by trying to self-medicate. I tried to quit for her birthday but slipped up almost immediately. However, seeing her in such a terrifying state was the wake-up call I needed to link alcohol with its true costs. I hope we can both stay clean. IWNDWYT.
I’ve been in the hospital three times for acute pancreatitis. I know that searing pain that no medication can touch, the tubes, and the terrifying hallucinations. I hid my drinking for a long time before it finally caught up to me. During my stays, I encountered a cold doctor who warned me of my death, a kind nurse who showed me compassion, and an old man whose death I witnessed while I was alone. I’ve been sober for about 5 years now. I’m a diabetic on gabapentin for neuropathy, and I still live with the fear of what I did to my body. I truly understand what you’re going through.