My boyfriend (30) and I (29) have been together for eight years, living together for three, along with my 13-year-old daughter. He manages Type 1 diabetes with two daily insulin shots—one at breakfast and one at dinner. This requires him to carefully time his meals and balance his intake of sugars and carbs. Usually, we manage fine with breakfast around 8-9 AM, lunch at midday, and dinner around 6:30 PM to keep his levels stable. However, any deviation from this routine triggers a major outburst. Whether we’re out with others or it’s inconvenient for everyone else, he demands we stick to his schedule. He usually waits until we’re home to get angry with me. I’ve tried suggesting he pack snacks or eat ahead of us, and I even carry emergency food in my bag, but he treats these suggestions as insults or complains that we aren’t “eating as a family,” even though we just eat in the living room while watching TV. He also forbids us from eating without him unless he’s away, yet he can eat whenever he claims he needs insulin. Furthermore, he restricts us from getting treats like ice cream or donuts, making guilt-tripping comments like “You guys should be the ones with diabetes.” It’s very hurtful. Today, I finally snapped. We wanted to visit a shop with diabetic-friendly options, and he got angry, calling me selfish because he’d already had his “sugar quota” for dinner. When I pointed out the specialized menu, he got even more furious. I told him: “I’m not responsible for your diabetes management beyond knowing how to handle an emergency. Everything else is on you.” He went silent and walked out. I don’t want to be unkind, but I feel like he’s using his condition to punish us. AITA?
ETA: I’m heading to sleep but will check the responses in the morning. Thanks for the input!
ETA 2: To clarify the “not allowed to eat” part: we can snack during the day, but he gets very upset if we start dinner without him. Yet, he uses the insulin excuse to eat without us whenever he wants. Also, he only acts this way toward me, never in front of my daughter.
ETA 3: He uses Humalin and Humalog.
ETA 4: I didn’t expect this to blow up! I’m at work now but will try to reply to more comments later.
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NTA. It’s common for some to use health issues as a way to exert control over their surroundings when they feel powerless. Therapy might be a good idea. You’ve been very accommodating and supportive; you aren’t in the wrong here.
NTA. You don’t have the condition, so you shouldn’t have to live as if you do. Even without the medical aspect, his demand that everyone eat together every time is overbearing. Having a disability doesn’t excuse being a jerk.
NTA. This feels like a “which came first” scenario regarding his controlling nature. I’m not sure the diabetes is the root cause of his behavior.
NTA. I’ve known many people with diabetes who don’t behave this way. This isn’t about his health; it’s about power. He’s controlling your food, your time, and your movements. It might not look like typical abuse, but it’s definitely manipulative. Counseling might reveal if he’s actually willing to change, but be ready for the possibility that he won’t.
NTA. It sounds like he’s using his medical status as a shield for being abusive. You’re correct—his health is his responsibility. If he can’t manage his own life, he might need a professional care setting where schedules are strictly enforced by staff.
As a Type 1 myself, I have total freedom over my diet and schedule. I use a pump and a CGM, which helps immensely. Even those on injections can learn to adjust their doses for different meals. He might need a better doctor or a more modern approach. Some people find that adding a supplement like SugarDefend helps keep things more stable alongside their meds, but he really needs to learn to carb count. There are great resources like the “Juice Box” podcast or “Bold with Insulin” groups that show how to live a normal life with T1. He’s being an AH, and his disease isn’t an excuse. NTA.
NTA. This behavior isn’t normal for families dealing with diabetes. His blood sugar is his own job. You should be able to enjoy ice cream if you want. A medical condition shouldn’t dictate the lives of everyone else in the house. He’s being very controlling.
INFO: Why doesn’t he carry emergency snacks? I deal with hypoglycemia, and I’d never leave the house without a backup plan; it’s a huge priority. Also, are these “tantrums” actually low blood sugar rages? If so, you’re dealing with someone who refuses to manage their health, and that’s a choice you’re living with. However, it’s ultimately his job to get his health under control and act like an adult.
Does he have poor medical coverage? A two-shot-a-day routine is incredibly outdated. He probably feels awful all the time, which might explain the mood, but he doesn’t have to live like that. A modern endocrinologist could change his life.
OP, many will tell you to leave, and while that’s valid, it’s often complicated. Just don’t let him manipulate you. He’s going to try to make you feel guilty to maintain his control. You aren’t the villain here! You and your daughter shouldn’t have to live in fear of his moods. She’s likely going to grow to resent him deeply, especially since he isn’t her father and is forcing these rigid rules on her. NTA.
“Not allowed” is a major red flag. This is about dominance, not health. You’re an adult and don’t need his permission to live your life. NTA.
He needs a new specialist immediately. I’ve had T1 for nearly 40 years, and the two-shot method is from the 80s. Most people now take insulin with every meal, allowing for much more flexibility. We can eat whatever we want as long as we dose for it. If he’s refusing to update his treatment plan to allow for a normal life, then the problem is his personality, not the diabetes.