I’m planning to inform the man I’m seeing that he needs to slim down, otherwise I’m ending the relationship.
We connected on Hinge and our personalities mesh perfectly; we share many interests and a deep friendship is developing alongside the romance. However, after meeting in person, I realized that despite being handsome, he is quite overweight—he eats excessively and doesn’t exercise at all.
I stay in great shape by working out three times a week and maintaining a healthy diet. I care for my body out of self-respect and for the sake of my partner. I don’t require a partner to be as thin as I am—a bit of extra weight can be endearing—but being fat is a dealbreaker for me. It’s a health risk, it negatively impacts our sex life, and I can’t envision a future like that. From my perspective, I love everything else about him, but his weight feels like a choice he’s making for reasons I can’t wrap my head around.
I’m looking for advice on how to bring this up. Is this a crazy move? I want to be completely transparent without being unnecessarily cruel.
Yeah, don’t do that. It’s likely way too early for such a demand.
You should probably just break up with him right now.
Just tell him exactly what you wrote: that being fat is something you can’t accept.
You can’t force a man to change, but you can find a different man. Since you’re only in the early dating stages, this would be incredibly inappropriate and mean. It’s a sensitive topic even for couples who have been together for years. If your lifestyles don’t align, it’s better to move on. Even if he does lose weight for you, it won’t be his own choice, so he’ll likely just gain it back. You’re better off finding someone who already lives the way you do.
Tell him, ‘This isn’t working for me, and you deserve someone who is fully into you’—then let him go find a partner who loves him exactly as he is.
That’s the honest way to handle it.
You shouldn’t tell someone they have to change their body to be worthy of your affection. If you don’t like him as he is, let him go so he can find someone who does.
If you can’t deal with his weight, why are you with him? Just leave the poor guy alone.
Why did you even start dating him in the first place if this was an issue?
I don’t get why you met up with him if being overweight is a dealbreaker. You aren’t attracted to him; you’re attracted to a version of him you’ve imagined. Don’t waste time with ultimatums; just go date someone else.
End it. He deserves a partner who actually appreciates him.
It’s not necessarily insane, but you seem genuinely repulsed by his body.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting a health-conscious partner, but have you tried to support him in that? There’s a big difference between thinking ‘he’s gross’ and saying ‘I offered to help him get healthy but he wasn’t interested, and that’s a value I need.’
Your post feels more like the former. As someone whose weight fluctuates, I know that being heavier usually means I’m struggling emotionally, which leads to inactivity. When I feel better, I start taking care of myself again. If you actually see a future with him, offer to help first. If he declines, then you can say you tried. It’s okay to want a fit partner.
I’m in a relationship now where I’ve gained weight because my partner is like yours—she hates exercise and thinks 10k steps is enough. It’s hard because a partner can either motivate you or make you lazy. Often, when you try to improve yourself, a partner who struggles in that area will try to make you feel guilty for it.
As a fat guy, I’d rather hear the truth sooner rather than later.
However, it’s unlikely he’s going to make a massive physical transformation for you this early on. You could try the ‘I’m worried about your health’ angle, but don’t expect much.
Unless he’s totally head over heels, he probably won’t change for you. It’s likely better for both of you to just make a clean break now.
Taking the opposite view here…
I actually think this is a fair request given the situation.
In online dating, everyone has their preferences and dealbreakers. You have the right to make your requirements known just as he has the right to his own. Just make sure this is the specific issue you want to stake the relationship on.