I am planning to end my life due to the physical agony I’m in. Before anyone judges me, please know that I truly love life and find it beautiful. Prior to these spinal problems and my experience with long COVID, I was living a wonderful life. I have no desire to leave this world, but I feel I have no other option. The suffering has become too much to bear. In 2021, I was diagnosed with long COVID after being severely ill for a month. I dealt with all the lingering effects, including exhaustion, persistent brain fog, balance issues, and vertigo. While I could still work and function to some degree, I had unpredictable flare-ups that left me feeling completely drained and in a daze, unable to think clearly. A friend suggested I try testosterone pellets, but the procedure ended up causing nerve damage in my right glute. My doctor assumed it was just an immune response and advised an IM Kenalog shot in the left glute. That just caused further damage to the other nerve because the injection was poorly done. This damage led to spinal instability, and I’m now dealing with an L3 herniated disc and significant pain in my lower and middle back (possibly thoracic, I’m waiting on another MRI). I am in terrible pain every single day and feel like I’m getting worse. I deeply regret those pellets; I feel they destroyed my life. Even if I undergo surgery, I doubt I’ll improve because of the sciatic nerve damage on both sides. I’m not posting this for attention; I just needed to vent. I do have a plan to end things, but I’m still uncertain about which method would be the least painful for me or the least traumatic for my family. I’d appreciate any thoughts. Update: Thank you all for the replies. I’ve been reading every one, even if I can’t respond to them all. I’m still here, working through my thoughts. My pain is a bit more manageable today—still debilitating, but I’m taking it one day at a time. For those asking, I am a 37-year-old female. Update 2: Thank you for all the support; I really value your comments. I know many of you are also suffering and going through a lot right now. I don’t want to bring anyone down, but my pain is continuing to escalate. I’m now experiencing new pain from overcompensating and putting pressure on my joints. My left knee is starting to fail, possibly a torn meniscus. To make matters worse, my right foot is dealing with plantar fasciitis. I’ve never experienced this level of pain before; it’s all new. I don’t think I can handle this many problems at once. It’s more than I can carry. I’m incredibly frustrated and crying as I write this. I honestly feel like this is just my fate, pushing me toward ending my life. I feel a sense of peace when I think about it. I just want to say goodbye to my family and depart. I hope whatever is causing this streak of bad luck finally lets me rest. Thank you for everything.
Despite someone reporting this five times to get the auto-mod to take it down, I’ve approved the post. This needs to remain visible so that the supportive comments can keep coming in for this person.
Please don’t do it. You have value and the strength to overcome this.
Please don’t take your life. Improvement is possible. I spent months suffering with a twisted spine at L5/S1, a bulging disc, and nerve compression. I had to change how I perceived pain. I also had a hip muscle tear and a bad knee. Physical therapy twice a week helped, along with spinal epidurals and a knee injection. Nerve ablation (burning the nerves) was the real turning point. I can walk without a cane now with minimal pain. Recovery is slow, but it happened for me. I’ve also lost someone close to suicide and saw the devastation it caused. Most people just want the pain to stop, not to die. Talk to someone you trust or a professional. Good luck!
I’m happy to hear you’re hanging in there. I’ve struggled with similar thoughts. It feels easier than the endless cycle of doctors and meds. I also got back pain from COVID in 2022. I’m 21 now, and while I was excited for the future after high school, I now struggle with chores like dishes. My mom keeps me going; I couldn’t do that to her. I have the COVID fatigue and brain fog too. Glad you’re doing okay.
Hi there. Just checking in to see how you’re doing.
Hey, this might be a weird thing to post here, but I’m not sure where else to ask and this post felt very honest. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your life experiences are still valuable. My wife (F25) broke her back four years ago and still deals with muscle atrophy and pain. She’s okay moving around, but stairs hurt, and she’s often in a lot of pain the day after we’re intimate. I’d ask her directly, but I don’t want her to feel inadequate or less capable. We communicate well, but she’s stubborn. I want to know which positions or movements are the most painful for someone with back issues so I can avoid them or be more careful. I give her massages and I’m generally gentle, but—this is definitely TMI—she prefers things to be rough, even though she suffers the next day. She insists it’s fine, but I hate seeing her in pain. I know you feel like you’re done, but you have a story worth sharing. Sorry for the weird question on a post like this, but everyone here seems very kind.
I also struggle with back pain, but I’m not intending to end my life over it. Maybe you should consider doing the same.
Hi, I’m Peter, 26. A motorcycle accident gave me an L5 herniated disc. It took over my life for four years. I couldn’t even sit for 20 minutes and had to stop working. I’ve felt suicidal too. I’m still trying to accept my situation and lean on those who care for me. My situation isn’t as severe as yours, so I won’t claim to fully understand, but you are incredibly strong for lasting this long. I’m here if you need to talk.
I really hope you’re still with us. I’m in a bad spot too—20 years of back pain, and a recent surgery made it worse. Please read ‘The Way Out’ by Alan Gordon. It gave me hope. It explains how chronic pain can be a fear-pain loop caused by trauma. It sounds strange, but many people with ‘neuropathic pain’ or fibromyalgia have found relief when other treatments failed. Check it out on YouTube or Spotify.
I haven’t seen anyone mention ‘Becoming Supernatural’ by Joe Dispenza yet. I was bedridden for six months and used his visualization techniques. I visualized everyday tasks like showering and driving. Now I’m back to work without needing surgery. I hope this helps someone.
I just returned home after a week-long hospital stay. My situation followed the usual path: I injured my back, tried to manage it myself, but the pain eventually hit a 10. I have discitis and osteomyelitis in my T9/T10. I’m now at home self-injecting antibiotics three times a day for at least six weeks. This condition can be fatal or lead to paralysis. My pain is currently managed at a level 4 with a bunch of meds, but it spikes immediately if I miss a dose. I’m a single father of two, recently lost a relative to bone cancer, my youngest had surgery, and I totaled my car. I’ve considered ending it too; it might seem easier, though I know that’s selfish. My mindset now is: Screw that. Screw all of it. Screw the bad luck and the car. I’m not saying this as some cliché ‘keep fighting’ advice—that’s not me—but I’m not tapping out in the 8th round even if it looks like I’m losing. You’ll have to kill me first. Maybe I’ll feel differently in the 11th round, but right now, screw that. I’ll take the meds and do the injections out of pure defiance. I don’t know if this helps, but I just keep telling myself: Screw fate and screw bad luck. Maybe you can find a bit of that ‘screw you’ attitude yourself. If you have even an ounce of it, you still have a chance. Sorry for the typos; my back is killing me and I don’t have the energy to proofread.
I’ve dealt with chronic back issues for a long time. What finally helped me was long-hold spinal unloading using resistance bands. This isn’t medical advice, just my experience. I used a kit attached to my ankles while lying on a bed with the anchor under my head. I’d stay like that for hours. It felt like it was releasing deep knots and disc pressure. It took weeks of consistency, plus core work and B12 shots (which help nerve repair), but I’m finally pain-free. I’m sharing this in case it gives someone hope.
I work in the medical field and I’m so sorry for what you’re enduring. Chronic pain destroys mental health; it’s not a lack of will, it’s just what pain does. Feeling like you can’t go on is a sign you need intensive support. There are options like pain clinics and specialized therapy. If you feel unsafe, please reach out to someone. In Canada, you can call or text 988. You are more important than your pain, and your life is worth the struggle.