AITA for losing my cool with a friend regarding his kiwi allergy?

Eye Health & Vision Problems
1

I am a 30-year-old woman living with celiac disease. A friend of mine, “Todd” (32m), has an allergy to kiwis.

It is frustrating because the general public really doesn’t grasp what celiac entails. They overlook hidden gluten sources and fail to realize how dangerous cross-contamination can be. Because I don’t suffer an immediate, fatal reaction, there is a common myth that it isn’t actually that painful or risky. There are only three individuals I actually trust to prepare food for me, and I feel fortunate to have even that many.

A few months back, Todd hosted a housewarming barbecue. He approached me quite proudly, claiming he had prepared gluten-free chicken specifically for me.

I don’t want to seem unappreciative, as I do value the effort to include me. However, I often wish people wouldn’t try. It creates an awkward situation where I have to cross-examine them about their process, only to turn the food down anyway because they accidentally used something like soy sauce. People take this as a personal insult, feeling like I’m telling them they failed. It’s hard to hurt people’s feelings like that.

I anticipated the outcome, but if I didn’t ask, he would have expected me to eat. I inquired about the ingredients, and he said it was just chicken and his homemade BBQ sauce. When he listed the sauce components, he mentioned Worcestershire sauce, which frequently contains barley or malt vinegar. I asked if he was sure it was a gluten-free brand, and he rolled his eyes, asking if I was “going to make a scene.” I didn’t want to demand to see his pantry because it was already tense, so I just explained that I couldn’t risk eating it without being certain. He seemed annoyed but dropped it.

Or so I thought. He later complained to my boyfriend that I went out of my way to shame him by asking questions he couldn’t answer, and insisted that a tiny amount of gluten wouldn’t have hurt me. My boyfriend corrected him, explaining that isn’t how it works.

I run into him about twice a month at social gatherings. Now, every single thing I bring—whether it’s potato salad, snacks, or even a bottle of bourbon—is met with a loud, theatrical, “I can’t touch that, it might have kiwis in it!” He never acted this way before the BBQ incident and only does it to me. It’s clearly a passive-aggressive jab because I wouldn’t eat his chicken, rather than a genuine fear that I’m putting kiwi in guacamole. Furthermore, I’ve literally seen him pick a piece of kiwi out of a fruit bowl and eat the rest, so he clearly isn’t worried about cross-contamination for himself.

This past weekend, he did it again when I brought snacks to a friend’s place. I finally lost my patience and snapped, telling him that there obviously wasn’t any kiwi because, unlike him, I actually care enough to read a label to ensure my friends stay safe.

He got angry and walked out. A few people there suggested I should have just ignored him, but I was just completely fed up.

32 Likes
2

NTA. Why is it that people constantly insist that “just a little bit” won’t cause any harm? It’s so exhausting.

3

Speaking as a New Zealander, our national bird is a protected species, so nobody should be eating kiwis anyway! I know they can’t fly, but please leave them alone. EDIT: I appreciate the awards, but seriously, stop eating Kiwis—whether you mean the people or the birds. EDIT 2: NTA.

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NTA. To start: nobody has a right to demand you eat food they made. Period. I don’t believe in “courtesy bites” either; that concept is nonsense. I host a monthly game night for a dozen people, one of whom has celiac. After learning about the condition, I started using an app to verify if ingredients are safe. When I have guests, I make sure there is food everyone can enjoy. Yes, gluten-free prep takes a bit more thought, but it isn’t an impossible task. Your friend has no right to be offended just because he was too lazy to ensure the food was actually safe for you. I get why he might have been dismissive initially, given how many people treated gluten-free as a fad a few years ago, but you have a medical necessity. If he can’t do it correctly, he shouldn’t attempt it at all. The people telling you to let it go are ignoring the fact that he’s been harassing you ever since. Don’t feel guilty; you haven’t lost anything important here.

5

Give me a break. Your friend is being ridiculous. I deal with several food allergies (nuts, strawberries, pineapple, etc.), and it is still significantly harder to navigate the world with celiac than with a fruit or nut allergy. Gluten is hidden everywhere. While fruit occasionally shows up in odd places, you usually only have to check drinks and desserts. This guy is being incredibly thoughtless. NTA.

6

NTA. He took a simple mistake he made and tried to turn himself into the victim. That said, I’m now imagining you as a cartoon villain, twirling a mustache while hiding a single kiwi slice in the potato salad. “Mwahahaha!”

7

NTA. You should never jeopardize your physical health just to be polite. Moving forward, I would just tell hosts in advance that you’ll be bringing your own meal so they don’t feel the need to try and accommodate you.

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NTA. I’ve been on both sides of this. My son had a dairy allergy so severe it could cause anaphylaxis. People would get angry when we asked to check ingredients, claiming something was “non-dairy” when the label clearly listed milk derivatives. Some people used it as a chance to learn, but others tried to sneak things in because they didn’t believe it was serious, which led to my son being sick all night. On the flip side, I’ve tried to make special food for others and realized too late that I missed a hidden ingredient or a cross-contamination warning. I was bummed, but I didn’t get mad at the person for not eating it; I just learned from the mistake. If Todd can’t learn from this and insists on acting like a child, it’s time to distance yourself.

9

NTA. Unless you know someone with severe celiac, you just don’t get it. My best friend is extremely sensitive like you are. Once, someone used the wrong tongs on a salad, and twenty minutes later she was unconscious on the bathroom floor. She has terrible fainting episodes from contamination. My biggest fear is accidentally hurting her, so I check every label three times before offering her anything, and I’m never offended if she wants to check for herself. A real friend protects you; they don’t mock you. Get rid of this guy; he isn’t a friend and you deserve better.

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